genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
