New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
