I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
