I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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