I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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