I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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