hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
