I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
