I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Everything about him screamed your future.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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