I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
