The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize