Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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