I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
