Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
