He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
