I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
