Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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