Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
