the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
