white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
