Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
