Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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