it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
