Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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