our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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