I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
only if we run a train.
done.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
