i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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