So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
