I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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