Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
