How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How external is "for external use only"?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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