nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
