I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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