And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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