I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
