I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
