You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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