What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
