For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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