I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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