Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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