im holly from the hills drunk
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
