i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
