Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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