i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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