when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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