all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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