trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
