i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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