I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
