Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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