also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
