Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
please come you make the beer taste better
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
