tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
