THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
