You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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