I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
