Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
