Got a toothbrush?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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