About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
